Death by Kate
by x-kate17-x
Summary: Tony goes to Abby for help because he thinks Kate is trying to kill him.


She was evil. That was it. She was evil and she wanted him to die.

Either that, or she had gotten it into her head that _he_ was evil, and she wanted him to die.

Either way, she was trying to kill him. She had to be. That was the only possible reason for her to be prancing around the office in a tight skirt and v-neck sweater, flicking her hair around and breathing in his ear as she read files over his shoulder.

Well it wasn't going to work. He was perfectly capable of ignoring her.

She was leaving anyway, with Gibbs. And he and McGee were staying here and… dammit. What were they doing?

"Probie."

McGee looked up from his computer.

"What are we doing?"

"Gibbs just told us, Tony."

"Yeah, well, I was kinda distracted."

"By what?"

"Nothing! Just tell me what we're meant to be doing."

"We're -"

"You know what? Better plan. You do it for me, and I'll be back in ten minutes."

"No, Tony -"

"Shush, Probie! Get back to work, you're busy."

He made his way to the elevator, leaning his head on the cool metal wall as he took a couple of deep breaths.

He couldn't handle this. Sure, he'd had – more than – his fair share of girls, but Kate was different. With the others… it was just different. He thought about them all the time, but when he had to work he mostly managed to clear his head.

Kate… when she was there, he just wanted to look at her. Not even touch her – not that he'd mind if she offered – just look at her.

And when she wasn't there, there was still a little miniature Kate running around in his head, waving snapshots of her life-size self at him and laughing.

What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he think of something else?

He'd tried to not think about her. Really, he had. Every time he realized he was thinking about her, he tried to focus on something else.

He'd tried thinking about weather – but that made him think of how the sun makes Kate's hair glisten.

He'd even tried thinking of a word for every letter of the alphabet, but he never seemed to get past C for Caitlin before he was back on Kate again and he gave up the battle.

So he tried thinking about other girls, but somehow they all morphed into Kate at some point. And then the mini-Kate inside his head pouted and stomped her foot, demanding attention. And being totally controlled by her, he went back to thinking about Kate.

Kate arguing with Gibbs. Kate typing a report. Kate taking photos of a crime scene.

And just like that, he was back on Kate again. It was a lost cause.

The elevator doors opened and he went into Abby's lab, rubbing his forehead as if that would make Kate fade away from his mind.

"Tony!" Abby squealed happily, throwing her arms around his neck.

And now he was thinking about Kate being that happy to see him.

"Abby, you gotta help me," he groaned.

"What's wrong with you?" Abby asked, biting her lip nervously and looking terrified.

"Nothing's wrong with me. I want to know what's wrong with Kate."

"Erm… nothing. She's fine. Isn't she? Is she okay?"

"She's gone crazy!"

"No, Tony, she hasn't…"

"She has! She's trying to kill me!"

"What did you do now?"

"I didn't do anything!"

Had he? He was pretty sure he hadn't done anything wrong… not this week, anyway. And it was already late Tuesday afternoon – he was doing pretty well. It was probably a record. Maybe Gibbs would give him a plaque or something.

Oh. He'd emptied the contents of his shredder into her desk drawer on Friday. But that was last week! She'd had a whole weekend and yesterday to get over it. She'd been pretty mad, though. Still. Not enough to make him suffer this horrible, dragged-out death, surely?

"I annoyed her a bit on Friday," he admitted. "That's _it_. I've been really, really good all week."

"What's she doing to you?" Abby grinned. "Anything I can use to put on my wall? I'm getting kind of sick of these paintings now, I could do with a new one."

Tony scowled. Why wouldn't she take this seriously? Sure, Kate threatened to kill him most days she spoke to him, but now she was actually taking action. He was _dying_. A long, slow, miserable death.

Well. Not all of it was totally miserable. The parts about Kate and her old school uniform were actually quite fun. At least, they would be if it wasn't part of Kate's grand plan to murder him.

"It's not a joke, Abby, she wants me dead!"

Abby rolled her eyes.

"You're such a drama queen, Tony."

Tony pouted and thumped himself in the head repeatedly. Looking horrified, Abby caught his hand and held it firmly.

"Jeez!" she exclaimed. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm trying to make Kate go away!" he whined.

Abby looked confused.

"She's installed some little mini-Kate in my brain, and it won't leave me alone," he explained. "I need you to make it go away, Abby."

Abby wanted to laugh at him, he looked so pathetic looking at her like that. But he also looked like he was going to cry, so she took pity on him.

"So, erm," she struggled to keep a straight face. "Aside from installing a tiny version of herself in your brain, what's she doing?"

"Everything!" he said, frustrated. "She wouldn't stop breathing on me earlier, and she keeps on talking to me and she's wearing this tight little skirt and this v-neck jumper and -"

"Breathe, Tony!" Abby instructed, and he stopped babbling.

He sank down into her chair and sighed miserably. He wished Kate would just shoot him or something. This must be some horrible torture method she'd been taught in the Secret Service. Why was she doing this to him?

"I know what's wrong with you!" Abby grinned triumphantly.

"So do I! Kate hates me and she's trying to kill me! It's… death by Kate-ness!"

Abby rolled her eyes.

"Tony, she has to _breathe_. She can't help it. I'm breathing on you right now!"

She was? He focused for a very brief second. Oh yes. He could feel her warm breath on his neck.

"Sorry," he said. "I thought that was Kate."

"Kate who isn't here or Kate who lives in your mind?"

Well that wasn't fair, putting it like that made it seem stupid.

"Fine," he said grouchily. "But what about everything else?"

"Like talking to you?" Abby asked, eyebrows raised. "It's terrible."

Why was Abby being so mean about this? It was alright for her. Kate wasn't trying to kill her.

"Stop it," he moaned. "It's not fair!"

"Sorry," Abby said. "But I don't think she's trying to kill you, Tony."

"Well, _torturing_ then. But what about her clothes?"

"You mean the skirt that shoots daggers from the hem, or the sweater that poisons anyone who touches it?"

"Not anyone, just me!"

This was just so unfair. Abby didn't know what it was like to wonder if the next breathe you took was going to be your last.

"She's not trying to kill you, Tony, you're just in love with her."

What?

"No I'm not! I don't like people who try to kill me! Gibbs should put her in jail!"

"Tony! Get a grip!"

"She -"

"She's not doing anything! You're in love."

No! No! No! He was in love with… with… Oh yes. That brunette – no, blonde! Blonde, blonde, blonde! She lived at the desk – APARTMENT! – opposite him. Her name was… erm… erm…

Oh, crap.

He knew he shouldn't have asked Abby.


End file.
